You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
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