I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
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