I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Who did Billy Mays play for?
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
