I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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