Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
He had one of those small greek statue penises
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
