hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
