Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
