Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
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