i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Randomize
