The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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