Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
Randomize
