Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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