I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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