You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
