I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
It was a blind-side dick pic.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
