I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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