tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
