if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Randomize
