If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
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