At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
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