Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
