I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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