just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
