TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
