why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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