Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Randomize
