why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
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