Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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