toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Operation Purity has been aborted
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
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