Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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