My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
