Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
