I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
