"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Randomize
