you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
