I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I just had sex on a roof
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
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