Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
