I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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