Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
