upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
zippers are such a cool invention
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
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