My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
Randomize
