I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
