she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I need a beard to bite.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
