if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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