Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?�
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