Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
chicago's viagra triangle is not unlike the bermuda triangle in thatt things just get lost...... planes, ships, dignity, virginity, etc.
Michael Bay diarrhea
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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