So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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