someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
Randomize
