His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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