He disabled his match.com account in front of me
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
