I can't breathe out the right side of my face
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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