I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize
