I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I checked into jail on foursquare
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
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