soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
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