I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
My life is pants optional.
Randomize
